still sad 10 years after divorce

The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation. Im just so broken. I dont see them as often as Id like but when I do I enjoy every moment. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". Because she is grieving a death A death she may have chosen A death he may have chosen But it is a death, nonetheless. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. Dwelling on what you should have done. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. 1. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. You really cant talk to anyone about it. Your piece really spoke to me. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. }] Thank you for finding those words. However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. Ive tried everything to move on, apart from actively seeking another partner. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. I cannot seem to get a hold of myself. Divorce is hard on everyone. Needing to be right. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. So much collateral damage. The article is dead on. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. This article really resonates with me. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. All Rights Reserved. We just arent on the same level. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. We all grieve differently. Wishing you all the best Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. only with God do I hang on. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. I also have no contact. No anger but deep deep hurt. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). Nobody really understands. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Village historic. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. Not feeling your feelings. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Yeah.). TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. Youre getting something out of it or you would be healing and moving forward. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. And yes, so much collateral damage. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. "@type": "Question", They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. },{ It is just there. "I think we are done", he says. My situation is without the financial issues now. 25 years gone after her affair. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. Yet in only 10 percent of the couples do both former spouses. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. You need to remember that you still have a future. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. Grieving Your Old Life She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. Peace to you all. Coparenting is tough. Its good to see Im not alone. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. I lost multiply job. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. It's over between Real Housewives of Atlanta star Drew Sidora and Ralph Pittman. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. Toughing it out. There's also the practical side of it. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. 11. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I have had a similar situation. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. You may have to find. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. The hurt will never quite go away. I have moved on and with a new partner. This so much speaks to me . But, I was wrong. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful Divorce can be worse than dying. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). Shelia sorry to hear about your story. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. ", The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. }. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Does it mock me? I just do not what I am frightened of. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. 3-5 years. "@type": "Question", In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. Divorce is a complex process that can lead to confusing and painful feelings. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. I never reached out to him for assistance. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. Takeaway. Poor Academic Performance Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . Thinking that being alone means being lonely. joanne. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. and special occasions are the hardest. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. Dead dreams live inside me. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. ", I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Add message Save Share Report Bookmark I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. "@type": "Question", You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Its like I never existed in her world. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Agree. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. { You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. I am actually the one who left my husband. Excellent article. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. Cheers to a better tomorrow! 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. house, kids, American Dream. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. Grand children . Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? "@type": "Answer", That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. 10 years is more than enough my dear. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. My heart remains unresolved. The rise of 'gray divorce,' as couples over age 50 split. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. That was 5 years ago. Do those things! Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. Thanks for recognizing that. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ?